High School Reunion Group Page

I unsubscribed from my high school reunion page weeks ago. I still read over it once a week for the same reason people rubber-neck on the highway after a Barnum and Bailey clown car collides with a truck carrying live chickens. It’s a disaster, yet so fun to watch.

I removed myself from the group because I could feel that old adolescent desire to be accepted and admired creeping back up from the bowels of my psyche and I didn’t like it. I checked my urge to tell everyone how “well” I am doing and instead just read over what others posted about themselves. I’m glad I did. It’s a big ME ME ME Festival among my classmates. It reminds me of when someone is talking and the other people are so obsessed with thinking up a good response that they never listen to what the person speaking says.

Here are the broken record posts:

-I have an amazing job
-I have seen the entire world
-I have the most amazing children. 3-4 on average.
-I am into hobbies or activities that all of you should envy.

I see very little about people’s spouses or if they are happy, in love, or if they have found joy in simple things. So much talk about what their children are doing rather than HOW their children are doing. I would be much more interested to read about the adversity experienced in the last 20 years. What have you overcome? What challenges did you face? Those are the things that make you interesting and human. I only see how “picture perfect” you all are and its a lie. I don’t care about your house, car, boat, vacations, retirement funds, investments, or how accomplished your children are at sports or school. Who cares?  Tell me how you got through the divorce or how difficult it was when your parent died. Those stories will tap instantly into my heart and fill me with empathy.

 Whatever.  I guess it’s my turn to brag about my life.

-My job pays the bills.
-My car starts and gets me where I need to go.
-I have adequate shelter.
-I’m in good health.
-I have lots of hobbies and interests.

 Those are all distractions from my real joy. The quickest way for me to summarize how my life is right now is to show you this video. This video contains a snapshot of everything that is perfect and wonderful about my life today.

Hold Me Closer, Tony Danza

This is the last time I performed at Second City.

Twenty Year High School Reunion.

Class of 1992
All American High School.
Anytown, USA

I am so excited to see all of you soon at our twenty year high school reunion. Everyone is sharing so much about themselves that I decided to share a little bit about me.

As many of you remember, I was the school slut. I used to blow guys behind the boys gym dumpster. I would walk to the local dollar theater and give handjobs for popcorn and matinee tickets. Then tragedy struck senior year when my grandmother, Nana Buttermilf, died of violent complications from Tourette’s Syndrome. This sent me into a depression and soon I was huffing Pam cooking spray and eating paint chips just to make it through a day of school. Luckily that month, Dirk Drinkmilk asked me to the Reverse Sadie Hawkins dance.

I was the luckiest girl in school! Every girl in school wanted to date the amazing Dirk Drinkmilk. All-star quarterback. Lead our highschool basketball team to the championships. Track. Swim team and Secretary of the Young Republicans club. He was all mine! After six consecutive weeks of unprotected sex (condoms are a sin, you know) God decided to bless us with our first baby. Dirk and I were married at the Chappell du Bâtard at the local Indian Casino exactly three months after graduation and three months before our son, Job, was born.

Dirk and I were brought together by God, I know this now. Pam cooking spray, paint chips and handjobs will never fulfill you as much as The Lord. I had lost my way in high school, but was back on the path of Christ soon after. Dirk and I found Jesus together and also found a studio apartment five blocks from high school. He started a lucrative career as a vending machine service man. I started my career at Mom, Inc.  It has been an amazing 20 years. We have been blessed with many wonderful children:

Job – 20
Lot – 19
Peter – 18
Caleb – 17
Eli -16  1/2
Luke -16
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego (Triplets) – 15
Mary – 14
Hosanna – 13
Moab – 12 1/2
Tobiah – 12
Phineas – 11
Micah – 10
Isaiah – 9
Samson and Delilah (Twins) – 8
Gideon – 7
Eve – 6
Abel – 5
Lazarus (God rest his soul)

God took Lazarus from us when he was only five months old. A month after he was born my uterus fell out and I was told I’d never give birth again. I went back to eating paint chips and was ready to kill myself. I wasn’t paying attention and I let little Lazarus fall into a sewer pipe… three or four times. After the fourth time, the Emergency Room was not able to resuscitate our baby. Thanks a lot, Obamacare! Clearly God needed little Lazarus more than I did. God was sending me a clear message that I needed to, once again, stop eating paint chips.  

Dirk made night shift manager at the Mr. Pibb warehouse and we were able to buy our dream home, two blocks from high school, where our oldest 8 children attend or have graduated. Our oldest kids are not working. Thanks a lot, Obamanomics! Job went into the military and lost both hands in a tragic urinal accident during boot camp. I started my own business recently on Etsy. I make religious cummerbunds.  

I can’t wait for the reunion! I am so excited to see all my high school friends. It’s seems like yesterday that we all saw each other. Oh wait, it was yesterday. All of our kids attend the exact same schools we did.  Gotta run.  I’ve got to cook dinner for twenty thankless children and then go clean the Pabst Blue Ribbon stains out of my big fat husband’s XXXL jockey shorts.  My husband has bigger tits than I do and hasn’t laid a hand on me since my girl parts fell out. But he’s the love of my life!

Yours in Jesus,
Britney Buttermilf-Drinkmilk

Santorum/Palin 2012

Do The Rubber-Arm Carlton!!

Chris Russell Robinson’s Midge-Poultry Conversation Digression Effect

If you engage in a conversation with Chris Russell Robinson for a long enough duration, eventually he will invoke “midgets” or “chickens”.

Misty’s New Car

My wife has always owned cars that someone else chose for her. Her parents gave her an inexpensive car in college. She drove her ex-husband’s old hunk of shit until they bought her a used Maxima, which he picked for her. She drove it for the last 10 years..

After her divorce, she paid down tons of debt, established her credit and got a great job. I helped some by sharing expenses with her once we were engaged and then married. But I had my own debt and credit issues thanks to the stupid housing market. We kept all our finances and credits accounts seperate for extra liability protection.

Misty had an agressive plan to be debt free by next summer. But last week, Misty’s old Maxima broke down for the second time this year. It has 220,000 miles on it.  I encouraged her to go get a new car. She deserved it. She had the credit. She has the means to make a big car payment. She wanted to be debt free so she could by a new car. I figured, why pay off debt so you can get into more debt and have a car next year when you can do the same thing and have the car now? She agreed and we went car shopping.

Misty didn’t hold back. She earned the right to splurge a bit and bought her dream car. Well, dream car within reason. Her dream car is the Lexus SC 430. $60,000 is a bit out of our price range at the moment. Misty settled on her other dream car. It just so happens to be a car that I have wanted since I was 16. The Nissan Z:

Testing My New Harmony M (With Silly Outtakes)

Getting A Low Reading Here

Why I Love Italian Greyhounds II

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